Feb 14

It’s very important to be with someone on Valentines day. It’s ok to be

lonely on every other day of the year, but as long as you have a date on

valentines day, that’s what counts, even if the person you are dating is


Make sure you prop them up and sit them next to you for a romantic picture

outside the undertakers so you can post it on facebook. This is then

recorded for all the world to see as you having a date on Valentines day.

This is the most important thing, to be seen to be on a date, irrespective

of what the actual reality is - it is essential for you to be able to show

people that you are out on a romantic date.

The other reason that Valentines day is so important is that we like to

conform with any kind of tradition cooked up by big business and media.We

don’t want to miss out on what everyone else is doing, especially if it

involves us paying money for things which can be put straight into the bin.

Valentines day used to be a bit of fun. It was just about giving a card

anonymously to someone you fancied who hated you.

Now it’s about receiving a message on facebook from a weirdo asking if

you’re into rimming. Or buying a big ugly pink teddy bear and giving it to

the partner you now despise because you have been together so long that you

can’t even remember the first romantic meal you had in burger king

scratchwood services just after the Boer War. So the bear is a nasty tawdry

symbol of mutual hatred and the death of romance.

But if you are single on Valentines, well done, you should go out and

celebrate your freedom. Go down the pub and laugh at all the poor couples

huddled up together at candlelit tables, forced to whisper bullshit and lies

into in each other’s ears before going home and telling each other how they

love that hideous pink thing sitting on the bed.

The teddy bear suddenly seems attractive...

Do you think this Blog was too cynical or not cynical enough?



Feb 13

WHY DO people insist on wearing wigs in high winds? It’s just asking for

trouble. And it may not be the best way to keep a low profile. The other

thing is, if you have dark black bobbed hair and everyone knows what you

look like because they’ve seen you looking like that for years, why would

you suddenly appear one day with very long pink hair and long strands

hanging down over your shoulders all curling up like an afghan hound that’s

just been pinked, combed and electrocuted?

It might not even take a big gust of wind. A smaller gust might do it. Even

someone blowing through a straw could expose the big lie. Off comes the wig

and there you are wigless in the street.

If the wig blows off, one of the big worries is where will it end up. You

may be on the sea front at Lime Regis, and a huge gust of wind is roaring

off the sea, with great waves billowing up. People won’t be able to take

their eyes off your wig because they’ll be waiting for it to go flying off

into the sea at any second.

And then the danger is the coast guard gets called out under false

pretenses, because the wig is seen floating on the surface, and it looks

like a person overboard, but then when they get there, they find that its

just your wig with no person attached.

The other thing about wig wearing is, where are you going to hang it up at

night? It’s inevitable that an aura of mystique will surround the question

of where you put it. People are bound to wonder. For instance, they will ask

questions and gossip about it and say things like, where does she put it at


Yes, they will say things like, “I reckon she puts it in the airing

cupboard, where she keeps all her pyjamas and towels all folded up, she

probably folds her wig up and puts it in there with bowl of water in case it

gets thirsty in the night.” Or they’ll say: “I thought I saw it this morning

flying round the garden, but when I looked again it was just next door’s


And that brings us nicely on to the problem of dogs and wigs in general. For

instance, if next door has an Afghan, which they usually do, then when it

sees you, instead of bounding up and licking you all over, it is just going

to start barking, seeing your massive shiny pink wig, thinking that you are

a rival afghan in disguise and up for a fight.

Then things will get really embarrassing , because due to the barking of the

dog, you will find it very difficult to pretend that you are not wearing a

wig, as someone will say: “What’s the dog barking at,” and though most

people will be too polite to say anything, someone among the group is bound

to say : “He’s barking at her wig.”

You have to seriously ask yourself if you really want people to talk about

you in this way. Well, these are just a few of the points to consider before

deciding to make a visit to your local wig shop.


BLOG 23.02.2012


An MP in the House of Commons has complained about the way his salami is

sliced. So says a report in the Daily Telegraph. So it must be true.

The request came in the form of an entry in the House of Commons restaurants

book of complaints. Clearly the MP did not enjoy his salami, which was

sliced "too finely."  He got a thin bit. But he wanted a thick bit. It's the

thin end of the wedge.

"The rinds are too sturdy," he moaned. This is an outrage. How can our MPs

be expected to run the country and look after our interests if the House of

Commons restaurants cannot provide a satisfying salami experience?

And salami is not the only thing under the microscope. There is also a storm

brewing over chips. Yes chips. The main worry, it seems, is over the way the

chips are being presented to hungry MPs.

Chips in the house of commons have traditionally been served in a tower

formation, placed neatly one of top of the other in a manner reminiscent of

a house of cards.

Is nothing sacred? Now there have been complaints about the fact that the

new way of serving the chips, described as the “fashionable bucket”

arrangement, makes the chips soggy.

I could hardly believe it when I read this... as if the salami slicing

fiasco wasn’t bad enough, chips arranged in a ramshackle and soggy fashion

is clearly totally unacceptable.

But there’s more. There was a complaint about the weight of a packet of

crisps. It should be 34.5g, but this House of Commons packet weighed in at a

measly 24.5g.

Never mind an investigation into the death of Dr David Kelly or other

matters of such trifling importance like illegal wars and the mass murder of

civilians, we should be told what is going to be done about this slightly

underweight packet of crisps.

Yes, we deserve an explanation because these establishments receive a £5.8

million a year subsidy from the tax payer, an increase £87,000 this year.

According to the Telegraph this is the equivalent of £7.60 for every £10

spent by an MP on salami and chips.

Well, I am so seriously concerned about this that setting up a new tent city

outside Westminster to protest. It will be called the Salami Camp. We demand

that the restaurant managers take the comments in the complaints book

seriously and make the necessary changes immediately, especially to the

slicing of the salami.

Are you with me comrades? The protest will start tomorrow morning at 6am,

arrive with your tents. When the chips are down the people rise up.




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