September 24

The Israelis have got a really good idea. Their big idea is to prevent Iran getting nuclear weapons. They think that would be a bad idea. It's ok for murderous, warmongering nations like Israel and USA and the UK to have them, but Iran, which hasn't attacked anyone since the second world war, shouldn't be allowed to have them.


So here's the brilliant plan, attack Iran and start a war which could escalate into World War three, in order to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons which would be very dangerous and could cause a war which could escalate into world war three.  Well done Mr Netanyahu, What a brilliant plan. Why didn't you think of it earlier?

 

SEPTEMBER 22

God is dead. It’s official. Poor God, he had taken some heavy hits in recent years, but had somehow just about managed to survive by the skin of his teeth. Until today. The magical day when devoted fans all over the world,  many having queued all night, finally saw the doors of paradise opened unto them, and forth they poured, screaming, cheering, swarming past thin blue lines of inanely grinning disciples to take possession of the one thing that can still save humanity -  the new Iphone 5.

Economy fucked up by greedy psychopathic criminals? Planet being poisoned by chemical contrails? The new Hitler, Benjamin Netanyahu trying to drag us into yet another war?  Don’t worry, if you sweep the new Iphone 5 sideways the camera produces a panoramic image!

Hey, that’s what we want, panoramas. Panoramas, that’s the thing that could do it.  Yes we need to keep focussed on what really matters. Because just lately, I’ve been a bit worried that not enough people are staring at their phones as they walk down the street. Only the only other day I caught myself crossing the road without sending a text.

Sweeping panoramas are just the start. There’s more. So  much more. Where do we begin? How can we even talk about this without fainting with excitement? Stand by -  The new Iphone 5 weighs just 112 grams! 112 grams! Wow!  It’s so slim. It’s so sexy. You can really take it anywhere.   And don’t get me started on the new metal back.

Im so glad Ive got an iphone. I just don’t know how i'd live without an Iphone. How empty my life would be without an iphone. How did I survive all those years before the Iphone came out, all those empty i-phone-less years... infact how did I survive, even after having an I-phone, all the empty months and weeks and days and minutes and seconds, surviving with just an I-phone 4, knowing all along that the launch of the I-phone 5 was so close.

And now at last its here, the Iphone 5, and my life has been changed, and I will able to boast about being at the front of the queue as the curtain fell - "oh my god, the curtain's moving!" - and being one of the first 10 million to have one. For days and days and days I will be in a daze as I fondle it's new sleek frame...

For several days in fact. Then I’ll really be needing the new Iphone 6 to save me...


"Why don't we just jump straight to the I-Phone 20, they've designed the fucking thing already."

"Oh no, don't say that, I like being a puppet on a string."

 
Blog 10.05.2012


OBAMA DRONES ON AND ON


I think Barack Obama should be nominated for the Noble Peace Prize. He's

only won it once and it's about time he got in again.He first won it in

2009, after just a year in office for " his extraordinary efforts to

strengthen international diplomacy and co-operation between people."


And now I think he is definitely favourite to clinch the coveted prize again and pocket another $1.4 Million.

Speaking outside the White House after receiving the award the first time, Obama said he was “surprised and deeply humbled” and that he did not deserve to be in the company of some of the “transformative figures” who had previously received it.

But here he was surely being too modest. Because he has had a magnificently transformative effect on American military operations.

Yes,  in stating that he would accept the prize as a “call to action,” he has certainly been a man of his word -  just ask the bereaved and maimed people of Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen.

Obama is clearly particularly proud of his Drone programme that was the subject of his great piece of oratory broadcast on january 31st.

Drones are  killing machines, remote-controlled, pilotless planes often carrying bombs which are particularly popular in the White House as they do not put US troops at risk, while at the same time being very handy for killing civilians as well as the odd terrorist suspect, ie someone with a beard.

In his wonderful speech  to the American people, Obama glowed with sincerity and pride as he said: “Drones have not caused a huge number of civilian casualties.. for the most part, they have been very precise, precision strikes against Al Qaeda and their affiliates and we are very careful in terms of how it’s been applied.”

This is very true as they only bomb people that are alive. Here are the figures which back up what Barrack says:

According to information from the Bureau of Investigative journalism, between 2004 and 2011 the civilians death toll was between 391 and 780. And of theses only 175 were children. That’s really fantastic, ground-breaking work, to kill just 175 children.  Well done.

How happy Barack was must feel when he reflects on all the many thousands of children not killed by his drones who are still happily running around and having fun dodging the bombs today because of the “precise precision” of his Drone programme.

Yes, Drone strikes have increased massively since Obama took over from George W Bush, despite the fact that he had criticized many of Dubya’s ‘counter terrorism’ policies as lawless.

Perhaps this is why he not only smiles but actually cracks a joke and milks the laughter like a stand-up in a different speech in which he talks about “Predator Drones.”  (You can see both speeches on the same you tube video by clicking on the link at the bottom. Watch the expression in his eyes...)

After a drone strike which killed 10 civilians in Pakistan on August 23 2010, Obama’s boys claim they changed their methods and are adamant that since then no civilians at all have been killed by drones. Happy days.

But wait...  According to Chris Woods of The Bureau of Investigative Journalism, there is undeniable evidence that over 100 civilians have been killed since then. The White House refutes this but Woods says, given the evidence, he can’t understand why. Hmm, puzzling...

And so to the scores on the doors:

Dubya drone Strikes: 52

Obama drone strikes: 269... and counting.

Wow that’s a coupon buster. A Sound thrashing there for Georgie.

Anyway, clearly warming to his subject in this great landmark speech, Barrack continues: “I think there’s a perception that we’re just sending in a whole bunch of strikes willy nilly - this is a targeted, focussed effort against people who are on a list of active terrorists who are trying to go in and harm Americans, hit American facilities, American bases and so on.”

You can see how how pleased with himself Barrack is to be able to tell us that theses people are on... a list. See the relish with which he delivers the information.

They are on a list. Oh, a list, well thank god for that, there’s stupid old me thinking that this was some sort of illegal, indiscriminate, unaccountable murder of unknown people in a foreign land... but they’re all people on A LIST.   What sort of list was it, a shopping list you found on the floor?

But now our hero, the first black president in history, is on a roll:

“It is important for everyone to understand that this thing is kept on a very tight leash. It’s not a bunch of folks in a room somewhere just making decisions.”

Well, thank god for that too, we would hate to think that these decisions were taken in a room somewhere. By a bunch of folks. Where were they taken? In a field? By a herd of sheep?

Watch the great orator orate by clicking here:


http://www.youtube.com/verify_controversy?next_url=/watch%3Fv%3D_9DE0ON_Uzo


BBC Newsnight’s evidence of civilians killed by drones


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVWx24oDu_0








 

PHIL'S COMEDY BLOG

OBSERVATIONS ON AN INSANE WORLD: no 1647  FACEBOOK

FEB 16


I love facebook. I particularly like the way it proudly

proclaims that its free and always will be. And that’s true of

course. It’s entirely free to do whatever it likes with your

private information, free to make billions by using you as

advertising fodder, free to block your friend requests if you

are trying to do anything more subversive than posting news

of how the cat just pissed on your bed again, and  generally

free to do anything it likes to your settings without telling

you.



But if you have any kind of problem with the myriad frustrations

of facebook, hard cheese. It will probably be Edam. Because it

is impossible to communicate with anyone about it.

This means you are forced to curse at the ceiling in a loud

voice and post on your wall that you have cursed at the ceiling

in a loud voice.

 


Then you must check your wall every ten seconds to see if

anyone likes that fact that you have just cursed at the ceiling

in a loud voice. (If they don’t, try putting your fist through

the kitchen door). The more people that like this, the more

validated you will feel. It gives you status. Yes, status

Status is a good word.


Through the delights of facebook, as in reality TV, you can

acquire status for the most inane of achievements. I am

currently thinking about ironing my socks, as I think it will

take my status to a whole new level.

 

Well, as you may or may not know, and if you don’t you’re about

to find out, I am a Buddhist and I believe in non violence and

dedicate my work to peace, culture education and one-legged

pigeon racing.


And, based on this, I have a plan to eradicate violence from our

society and make Britain a nation of peace instead of a nation

of war. (Looks like we’re planning to go off and murder yet

more people, this time in Iran - Wey hey, great its about time

we had another mass killing spree enacted in our name since it

seems so long ago now since we murdered all those people in Iraq

and it’s only fair and right that Cameron should have another

go at it after wetting his whistle with the Libya warm-up.)


So my idea is this: What we need in every town is a shop

wherethere are representatives from facebook, T mobile,

Barclays, RBS, the government, apple technical support and their

ilk... and their job is to be punched... for peace... so we

can all be free of the stress of modern living and therefore

create a peaceful, happy society where no one frowns.

Therefore no violence, no war.



Here's how it works. When we are entering the realm of

apoplectic meltdown, say by being snarled up in Vodaphone’s

automated phone system, and on the verge of smashing yet another

hole in the kitchen door, we can go down to our local Punch for

Peace chain store. We don’t have to make an appointment, we can

just drop in. There will be a bouncer on the door, who hands as

a pair of boxing gloves and we then approach the receptionist

says “Hello sir, who would you like to punch today?"

An underling then takes you to the relevant boxing ring.

I’m amazed that no one has thought of this before, for it would

surely have prevented the London riots.


It’s a great idea, and something the politicians and business

leaders could really cash in on as a great way to boost their

popularity. Just imagine the media attention David Cameron and

Miliband would get as they dropped in for a surprise visit to

one of the Punch for Peace stores in London's West End to rally

the staff and give a speech about what great work they are doing

being punched. Imagine the cheer that would erupt, as Cameron

hits the deck.



But how will we fund the building of all these new super stores?

Easy. How about dipping into some of the £25 billion tax bill

that Vodaphone and Goldman Sachs should now be forced to cough

up after being let off by the government. That should just about

cover it. It's going to happen too. Watch my status...

 

.................................................................


 
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