September 24

The Israelis have got a really good idea. Their big idea is to prevent Iran getting nuclear weapons. They think that would be a bad idea. It's ok for murderous, warmongering nations like Israel and USA and the UK to have them, but Iran, which hasn't attacked anyone since the second world war, shouldn't be allowed to have them.


So here's the brilliant plan, attack Iran and start a war which could escalate into World War three, in order to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons which would be very dangerous and could cause a war which could escalate into world war three.  Well done Mr Netanyahu, What a brilliant plan. Why didn't you think of it earlier?

 

SEPTEMBER 22

God is dead. It’s official. Poor God, he had taken some heavy hits in recent years, but had somehow just about managed to survive by the skin of his teeth. Until today. The magical day when devoted fans all over the world,  many having queued all night, finally saw the doors of paradise opened unto them, and forth they poured, screaming, cheering, swarming past thin blue lines of inanely grinning disciples to take possession of the one thing that can still save humanity -  the new Iphone 5.

Economy fucked up by greedy psychopathic criminals? Planet being poisoned by chemical contrails? The new Hitler, Benjamin Netanyahu trying to drag us into yet another war?  Don’t worry, if you sweep the new Iphone 5 sideways the camera produces a panoramic image!

Hey, that’s what we want, panoramas. Panoramas, that’s the thing that could do it.  Yes we need to keep focussed on what really matters. Because just lately, I’ve been a bit worried that not enough people are staring at their phones as they walk down the street. Only the only other day I caught myself crossing the road without sending a text.

Sweeping panoramas are just the start. There’s more. So  much more. Where do we begin? How can we even talk about this without fainting with excitement? Stand by -  The new Iphone 5 weighs just 112 grams! 112 grams! Wow!  It’s so slim. It’s so sexy. You can really take it anywhere.   And don’t get me started on the new metal back.

Im so glad Ive got an iphone. I just don’t know how i'd live without an Iphone. How empty my life would be without an iphone. How did I survive all those years before the Iphone came out, all those empty i-phone-less years... infact how did I survive, even after having an I-phone, all the empty months and weeks and days and minutes and seconds, surviving with just an I-phone 4, knowing all along that the launch of the I-phone 5 was so close.

And now at last its here, the Iphone 5, and my life has been changed, and I will able to boast about being at the front of the queue as the curtain fell - "oh my god, the curtain's moving!" - and being one of the first 10 million to have one. For days and days and days I will be in a daze as I fondle it's new sleek frame...

For several days in fact. Then I’ll really be needing the new Iphone 6 to save me...


"Why don't we just jump straight to the I-Phone 20, they've designed the fucking thing already."

"Oh no, don't say that, I like being a puppet on a string."

 
Blog 10.05.2012


OBAMA DRONES ON AND ON


I think Barack Obama should be nominated for the Noble Peace Prize. He's

only won it once and it's about time he got in again.He first won it in

2009, after just a year in office for " his extraordinary efforts to

strengthen international diplomacy and co-operation between people."


And now I think he is definitely favourite to clinch the coveted prize again and pocket another $1.4 Million.

Speaking outside the White House after receiving the award the first time, Obama said he was “surprised and deeply humbled” and that he did not deserve to be in the company of some of the “transformative figures” who had previously received it.

But here he was surely being too modest. Because he has had a magnificently transformative effect on American military operations.

Yes,  in stating that he would accept the prize as a “call to action,” he has certainly been a man of his word -  just ask the bereaved and maimed people of Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen.

Obama is clearly particularly proud of his Drone programme that was the subject of his great piece of oratory broadcast on january 31st.

Drones are  killing machines, remote-controlled, pilotless planes often carrying bombs which are particularly popular in the White House as they do not put US troops at risk, while at the same time being very handy for killing civilians as well as the odd terrorist suspect, ie someone with a beard.

In his wonderful speech  to the American people, Obama glowed with sincerity and pride as he said: “Drones have not caused a huge number of civilian casualties.. for the most part, they have been very precise, precision strikes against Al Qaeda and their affiliates and we are very careful in terms of how it’s been applied.”

This is very true as they only bomb people that are alive. Here are the figures which back up what Barrack says:

According to information from the Bureau of Investigative journalism, between 2004 and 2011 the civilians death toll was between 391 and 780. And of theses only 175 were children. That’s really fantastic, ground-breaking work, to kill just 175 children.  Well done.

How happy Barack was must feel when he reflects on all the many thousands of children not killed by his drones who are still happily running around and having fun dodging the bombs today because of the “precise precision” of his Drone programme.

Yes, Drone strikes have increased massively since Obama took over from George W Bush, despite the fact that he had criticized many of Dubya’s ‘counter terrorism’ policies as lawless.

Perhaps this is why he not only smiles but actually cracks a joke and milks the laughter like a stand-up in a different speech in which he talks about “Predator Drones.”  (You can see both speeches on the same you tube video by clicking on the link at the bottom. Watch the expression in his eyes...)

After a drone strike which killed 10 civilians in Pakistan on August 23 2010, Obama’s boys claim they changed their methods and are adamant that since then no civilians at all have been killed by drones. Happy days.

But wait...  According to Chris Woods of The Bureau of Investigative Journalism, there is undeniable evidence that over 100 civilians have been killed since then. The White House refutes this but Woods says, given the evidence, he can’t understand why. Hmm, puzzling...

And so to the scores on the doors:

Dubya drone Strikes: 52

Obama drone strikes: 269... and counting.

Wow that’s a coupon buster. A Sound thrashing there for Georgie.

Anyway, clearly warming to his subject in this great landmark speech, Barrack continues: “I think there’s a perception that we’re just sending in a whole bunch of strikes willy nilly - this is a targeted, focussed effort against people who are on a list of active terrorists who are trying to go in and harm Americans, hit American facilities, American bases and so on.”

You can see how how pleased with himself Barrack is to be able to tell us that theses people are on... a list. See the relish with which he delivers the information.

They are on a list. Oh, a list, well thank god for that, there’s stupid old me thinking that this was some sort of illegal, indiscriminate, unaccountable murder of unknown people in a foreign land... but they’re all people on A LIST.   What sort of list was it, a shopping list you found on the floor?

But now our hero, the first black president in history, is on a roll:

“It is important for everyone to understand that this thing is kept on a very tight leash. It’s not a bunch of folks in a room somewhere just making decisions.”

Well, thank god for that too, we would hate to think that these decisions were taken in a room somewhere. By a bunch of folks. Where were they taken? In a field? By a herd of sheep?

Watch the great orator orate by clicking here:


http://www.youtube.com/verify_controversy?next_url=/watch%3Fv%3D_9DE0ON_Uzo


BBC Newsnight’s evidence of civilians killed by drones


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVWx24oDu_0








 

PHIL'S COMEDY BLOG

OBSERVATIONS ON AN INSANE WORLD: no 1647  FACEBOOK

FEB 16


I love facebook. I particularly like the way it proudly

proclaims that its free and always will be. And that’s true of

course. It’s entirely free to do whatever it likes with your

private information, free to make billions by using you as

advertising fodder, free to block your friend requests if you

are trying to do anything more subversive than posting news

of how the cat just pissed on your bed again, and  generally

free to do anything it likes to your settings without telling

you.



But if you have any kind of problem with the myriad frustrations

of facebook, hard cheese. It will probably be Edam. Because it

is impossible to communicate with anyone about it.

This means you are forced to curse at the ceiling in a loud

voice and post on your wall that you have cursed at the ceiling

in a loud voice.

 


Then you must check your wall every ten seconds to see if

anyone likes that fact that you have just cursed at the ceiling

in a loud voice. (If they don’t, try putting your fist through

the kitchen door). The more people that like this, the more

validated you will feel. It gives you status. Yes, status

Status is a good word.


Through the delights of facebook, as in reality TV, you can

acquire status for the most inane of achievements. I am

currently thinking about ironing my socks, as I think it will

take my status to a whole new level.

 

Well, as you may or may not know, and if you don’t you’re about

to find out, I am a Buddhist and I believe in non violence and

dedicate my work to peace, culture education and one-legged

pigeon racing.


And, based on this, I have a plan to eradicate violence from our

society and make Britain a nation of peace instead of a nation

of war. (Looks like we’re planning to go off and murder yet

more people, this time in Iran - Wey hey, great its about time

we had another mass killing spree enacted in our name since it

seems so long ago now since we murdered all those people in Iraq

and it’s only fair and right that Cameron should have another

go at it after wetting his whistle with the Libya warm-up.)


So my idea is this: What we need in every town is a shop

wherethere are representatives from facebook, T mobile,

Barclays, RBS, the government, apple technical support and their

ilk... and their job is to be punched... for peace... so we

can all be free of the stress of modern living and therefore

create a peaceful, happy society where no one frowns.

Therefore no violence, no war.



Here's how it works. When we are entering the realm of

apoplectic meltdown, say by being snarled up in Vodaphone’s

automated phone system, and on the verge of smashing yet another

hole in the kitchen door, we can go down to our local Punch for

Peace chain store. We don’t have to make an appointment, we can

just drop in. There will be a bouncer on the door, who hands as

a pair of boxing gloves and we then approach the receptionist

says “Hello sir, who would you like to punch today?"

An underling then takes you to the relevant boxing ring.

I’m amazed that no one has thought of this before, for it would

surely have prevented the London riots.


It’s a great idea, and something the politicians and business

leaders could really cash in on as a great way to boost their

popularity. Just imagine the media attention David Cameron and

Miliband would get as they dropped in for a surprise visit to

one of the Punch for Peace stores in London's West End to rally

the staff and give a speech about what great work they are doing

being punched. Imagine the cheer that would erupt, as Cameron

hits the deck.



But how will we fund the building of all these new super stores?

Easy. How about dipping into some of the £25 billion tax bill

that Vodaphone and Goldman Sachs should now be forced to cough

up after being let off by the government. That should just about

cover it. It's going to happen too. Watch my status...

 

.................................................................


 

VALENTINES BLOG

Feb 14


It’s very important to be with someone on Valentines day. It’s ok to be

lonely on every other day of the year, but as long as you have a date on

valentines day, that’s what counts, even if the person you are dating is

dead.


Make sure you prop them up and sit them next to you for a romantic picture

outside the undertakers so you can post it on facebook. This is then

recorded for all the world to see as you having a date on Valentines day.

This is the most important thing, to be seen to be on a date, irrespective

of what the actual reality is - it is essential for you to be able to show

people that you are out on a romantic date.


The other reason that Valentines day is so important is that we like to

conform with any kind of tradition cooked up by big business and media.We

don’t want to miss out on what everyone else is doing, especially if it

involves us paying money for things which can be put straight into the bin.

Valentines day used to be a bit of fun. It was just about giving a card

anonymously to someone you fancied who hated you.


Now it’s about receiving a message on facebook from a weirdo asking if

you’re into rimming. Or buying a big ugly pink teddy bear and giving it to

the partner you now despise because you have been together so long that you

can’t even remember the first romantic meal you had in burger king

scratchwood services just after the Boer War. So the bear is a nasty tawdry

symbol of mutual hatred and the death of romance.


But if you are single on Valentines, well done, you should go out and

celebrate your freedom. Go down the pub and laugh at all the poor couples

huddled up together at candlelit tables, forced to whisper bullshit and lies

into in each other’s ears before going home and telling each other how they

love that hideous pink thing sitting on the bed.


The teddy bear suddenly seems attractive...


Do you think this Blog was too cynical or not cynical enough?


 

WIG BLOG

Feb 13


WHY DO people insist on wearing wigs in high winds? It’s just asking for

trouble. And it may not be the best way to keep a low profile. The other

thing is, if you have dark black bobbed hair and everyone knows what you

look like because they’ve seen you looking like that for years, why would

you suddenly appear one day with very long pink hair and long strands

hanging down over your shoulders all curling up like an afghan hound that’s

just been pinked, combed and electrocuted?


It might not even take a big gust of wind. A smaller gust might do it. Even

someone blowing through a straw could expose the big lie. Off comes the wig

and there you are wigless in the street.


If the wig blows off, one of the big worries is where will it end up. You

may be on the sea front at Lime Regis, and a huge gust of wind is roaring

off the sea, with great waves billowing up. People won’t be able to take

their eyes off your wig because they’ll be waiting for it to go flying off

into the sea at any second.


And then the danger is the coast guard gets called out under false

pretenses, because the wig is seen floating on the surface, and it looks

like a person overboard, but then when they get there, they find that its

just your wig with no person attached.


The other thing about wig wearing is, where are you going to hang it up at

night? It’s inevitable that an aura of mystique will surround the question

of where you put it. People are bound to wonder. For instance, they will ask

questions and gossip about it and say things like, where does she put it at

night?


Yes, they will say things like, “I reckon she puts it in the airing

cupboard, where she keeps all her pyjamas and towels all folded up, she

probably folds her wig up and puts it in there with bowl of water in case it

gets thirsty in the night.” Or they’ll say: “I thought I saw it this morning

flying round the garden, but when I looked again it was just next door’s

dog”.


And that brings us nicely on to the problem of dogs and wigs in general. For

instance, if next door has an Afghan, which they usually do, then when it

sees you, instead of bounding up and licking you all over, it is just going

to start barking, seeing your massive shiny pink wig, thinking that you are

a rival afghan in disguise and up for a fight.


Then things will get really embarrassing , because due to the barking of the

dog, you will find it very difficult to pretend that you are not wearing a

wig, as someone will say: “What’s the dog barking at,” and though most

people will be too polite to say anything, someone among the group is bound

to say : “He’s barking at her wig.”


You have to seriously ask yourself if you really want people to talk about

you in this way. Well, these are just a few of the points to consider before

deciding to make a visit to your local wig shop.

 

BLOG 23.02.2012

 

An MP in the House of Commons has complained about the way his salami is

sliced. So says a report in the Daily Telegraph. So it must be true.



The request came in the form of an entry in the House of Commons restaurants

book of complaints. Clearly the MP did not enjoy his salami, which was

sliced "too finely."  He got a thin bit. But he wanted a thick bit. It's the

thin end of the wedge.


"The rinds are too sturdy," he moaned. This is an outrage. How can our MPs

be expected to run the country and look after our interests if the House of

Commons restaurants cannot provide a satisfying salami experience?


And salami is not the only thing under the microscope. There is also a storm

brewing over chips. Yes chips. The main worry, it seems, is over the way the

chips are being presented to hungry MPs.



Chips in the house of commons have traditionally been served in a tower

formation, placed neatly one of top of the other in a manner reminiscent of

a house of cards.


Is nothing sacred? Now there have been complaints about the fact that the

new way of serving the chips, described as the “fashionable bucket”

arrangement, makes the chips soggy.


I could hardly believe it when I read this... as if the salami slicing

fiasco wasn’t bad enough, chips arranged in a ramshackle and soggy fashion

is clearly totally unacceptable.



But there’s more. There was a complaint about the weight of a packet of

crisps. It should be 34.5g, but this House of Commons packet weighed in at a

measly 24.5g.


Never mind an investigation into the death of Dr David Kelly or other

matters of such trifling importance like illegal wars and the mass murder of

civilians, we should be told what is going to be done about this slightly

underweight packet of crisps.



Yes, we deserve an explanation because these establishments receive a £5.8

million a year subsidy from the tax payer, an increase £87,000 this year.

According to the Telegraph this is the equivalent of £7.60 for every £10

spent by an MP on salami and chips.



Well, I am so seriously concerned about this that setting up a new tent city

outside Westminster to protest. It will be called the Salami Camp. We demand

that the restaurant managers take the comments in the complaints book

seriously and make the necessary changes immediately, especially to the

slicing of the salami.



Are you with me comrades? The protest will start tomorrow morning at 6am,

arrive with your tents. When the chips are down the people rise up.

 

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