"I think of it as a kind of kamikaze comedy protest against the BGT gestapo...."

 

So, I’m a 6 foot giant pigeon, according to the Sun. My, how I’ve grown. By this time next week I could be a ten foot ostrich. Then what? A super soaraway eagle perhaps.


Anyway it was quite a landmark in my career to make it onto page three of the Sun next to a fake blonde beauty, under the never-to-be-forgotten headline, “Six foot pigeon attacks Amanda.”


Shame the defamatory story isn’t actually true, but hey, when has that ever bothered the Sun?


Anyway, I would like to dedicate my appearance to the wonderful, late Godfather of alternative comedy and creator of outrageous stunts, Malcolm Hardee.


Malcolm was considered to be to comedy what John Peel was to music. He would often put my pigeon act on at his legendary Up The Creek club in Greenwich, and said it was his “favourite.”

 

One night after witnessing the act which had received a fair bit of heckling from a riotous boozed - up audience, he said, and I quote: “I think you’re a genius.” Omid Djalili said the same thing about me in Time Out and repeated it on stage when he played the Drayton in 2008. So there you are, it’s official...

 

So dedicating the act to Malcolm, I think of it as a kind of kamikaze comedy protest against the BGT gestapo, and the culture that worships fame, sameness, the superficial and MONEY, above all other things.

 

PRISONERS


People are seen as commodities to be manipulated and used for profit... the Gestapo keep the contestants in a stuffy ‘holding area’ for up to nine hours, like prisoners of war, only with fewer privileges.


The prisoner is given no refreshments, not even a complimentary drink of water, and is subjected to constant interrogation in front of TV cameras while trying to prepare for a performance that could potentially be seen by millions. It’s a set-up designed to encourage inexperienced, and at times delusional and vulnerable people to screw up for the entertainment of the masses. Not nice.


“So what is pigeonman,” I was constantly asked during yet another interview. “It’s comedy. Largely pigeon-based,” I replied.

 

“But what is it exactly? How would you define Pigeonman?” comes the question for the umpteenth time.

 

“I wouldn’t define it, I reply, because as soon as you define something you limit it.....It's pigeon stuff, it contains largely pigeon-based activity with a bit of wolf thrown in...”

 

But it was no good, the pigeon message just wasn’t getting through...So anyway, I thought it would be fun to dive bomb my way in there. The tabloid robots loved it. Never mind the lies greed and hypocrisy of criminals in government and big business,look at that bloke.... he's frightened Amanda Holden.


Apparently according to one media report, my performance was so off-the wall, that you wouldn’t even witness anything like it at the Edinburgh Fringe. Hmm, Don’t bet too much on that one, I’ve performed there quite a few times already and I may well be up there come August.


Was I bothered whether the judges or the audience got it or not? Not really. In fact I told ITV 2’s Stephen Mulhern in an interview beforehand that my aim was to get three no’s from the judges. And in this I think I succeeded magnificently.

 

DRAMATIC


I should just correct some of the inaccuracies contained in the Sun and various other online reports : I did not “lunge at” or “attack” Amanda Holden. All I did to her was a quick burst of my Wolfman character when she buzzed me. And the reason I got down from the stage during my performance was nothing to do with Amanda, but simply to hand McIntyre a flyer for the club as I had earlier suggested he come and do a spot.

 

Security didn’t grab me, they just barred my way, whereupon I got back up on the stage and flicked a flyer towards Mcintyre. Someone in the crowd then picked it up and gave it to him and he said to me: “I’ve got it.” Dramatic stuff!

 

Another untruth was that I “leapt from the stage” (surely ‘fly’ would have been a more imaginative word?); and I was not “grabbed” or “removed” by security. No one touched me.


As I got on to the floor I was approached by several security men who barred my way. Now, if I was “nuts”, as has been suggested, I would surely not been deterred by this. But as I am dangerously sane, I simply turned round and got back onto the stage, having flicked, not “hurled” my flyer at McIntyre. How does one hurl an A5 flyer by the way? I would like to know so I can perfect the technique for future promotional purposes.


Just a final note on the subject of sanity/insanity. It’s worth noting that the company that performers are contracted to for BGT is called "Syco TV".